I interrupt this lack of blogging...

Ya'll, I'll be back to blogging soon.  I have to say this:  The devil is a liar.  He is the father of lies, every time he speaks he spews lies.  I have been discouraged.  Please don't confuse that with depressed, I have actually been well, thanking the Lord for my blessings every day.  I have much to be thankful for.  I could even blog about it...I could...but then the thoughts swim through my mind: "No one reads what you write anyway.",  "No one cares what you are thankful for.",  "Really, they are all reading the pastors' blogs...what can you have to say that anyone will want to read, that will speak to them?"  I know they are lies, I know, I know, I know.  I suffer from this little thing called insecurity.  I have let the devil belittle me.  I have let him convince me I should belittle myself.  Insecurity is an ugly ugly thing and I am determined to overcome.  I prayed a prayer the other night.  I read part of it to my husband and had to fight the tears as I spoke some of the words.  It is a powerful prayer, a prayer that Beth Moore made part of her book, So Long Insecurity, by the insight given her by the Spirit of God.  The actual prayer is like 5 pages long, so I will share with you the most crucial points, the ones I prayed most earnestly, the thoughts and attitudes from which I need the most healing and freedom.

    "I desperately need and want to be delivered from my chronic insecurity.  I am ready to discover what it means to be truly secure."

    "You have not shortchanged me.  I have shortchanged myself and allowed my culture to sell me short."

    "As You reveal yourself to me, I ask You to also mercifully reveal myself to me.  Grant me insight into patterns I have developed, and give me answers that bring healing."

                                                 *sigh*  Here comes the doozie...

    "Forgive me for my miserable self-absorption.  Forgive me for the jealousy and covetousness that feed my insecurity.  Forgive me for being so fixated on what I don't have that I leave the gifts You've given me undeveloped and much less effective than You intended them to be.  Forgive me for thinking so pitifully little of the person You've made me.  Forgive me for committing the flagrant sin of despising myself and considering myself inferior to others.  Forgive me equally for every time I've sighed with relief at the thought that I might be superior after all.  Forgive me for my unbelief.  If I realized how valuable I am, my insatiable need for affirmation would be quieted.  Forgive me for being such a perfectionist that I resist doing something good out of fear that it won't be great."(OUCH!!)   Forgive me for the inordinate self-protection that has only managed to imprison me."

    "Lord, I ask You to single out everything You entrusted to me as part of my physical and psychological makeup: personal limitations, my appearance, and my God-given disposition.  You knew what You were doing when You formed me in my mother's womb.  Nothing is without purpose.  Nothing has thrown off the plan.  Every gift, challenge and obstacle is meant to shape the specific destiny You ordained for me before time began.  Your intent is to make a wonder out of me and show what You can do through me.  You mean to increase the praise that comes to You because of my life.  You want to defy the odds in order to make Yourself conspicuous in me. Please deliver me from a life of self-pity and a life of excuses and rationalizations.  Help me stop using a person as my mirror and start seeing myself as You alone see me.  Make me the kind of woman a little girl could follow to dignity and security."

Parts of that still bring me to tears.  I need to get that in my spirit.

Tomorrow I will post my 28 thanks.  Tonight I need you to know my heart.