All things are possible, only believe

Smith Wigglesworth said, "Only believe, only believe, all things are possible, only believe." 

   If you were to ask me when were you the closest to God you've ever been, I'd wish I could say today (and I'm almost there) but I would have to say the beginning of my senior year of high school.  I don't even want to go into how long ago that was...  I had some setbacks and made some not so wonderful decisions that year and then went off to college.  Once in college, I joined Chi Alpha and continued to serve the Lord, but not in the completely surrendered way I had just the year before.  Then in 2000, I made some changes and got back on track.  In 2001 I began dating the man who would become my husband and we just became complacent together.  We both love the Lord and are raising our children to do the same; we strive to be good people and not the Christians who give Christianity a bad name.  We tithe and we pray together and, well, we DO all the right things.  The problem?  Our hearts haven't always been 100% surrendered...well, I can't speak for him.  MY heart hasn't always been 100% surrendered. 

  I said I would talk about it so here goes:  Three weeks ago on Monday, we were informed that Matt's job was being relocated to Houston.  We were offered a retention plan and a relocation plan and we had to choose between, stay here and not have a job after a certain time frame, or move to Houston.  I'll be honest, the relocation plan was amazing.  I was seriously tempted to move to Houston.  However, in the end, we did not feel it was God's plan for us to move.  We (and when I say we, I mean he) signed the retention papers and began the process of  updating Matt's resume and looking for jobs online, contacting a staffing firm and of course, purchasing new interview clothes.  At least some of that was fun!  Friday of the same week, I mistakenly left my garage door open for one hour in broad daylight with my car in the garage and some lowlifes decided they needed Matt's bike, weed eater and all of his tools more than we did, so they took them.  Talk about a bad week!  Sunday morning in Sunday school we had the very last discussion on the book The Circle Maker by Mark Batterson.  I decided right then and there that I would fast and pray and my circle would be around Matt and his job.  I began fasting and praying on Monday and dedicated myself to 3 weeks.  Long story short, this past Friday, Matt had an interview for a new company and it went extremely well.  We were concerned that salary might be an issue, but we were just trusting the Lord. Sunday morning at church our pastor said to the congregation that someone in the audience would be facing negotiations in the following week and not to worry because God had gone before and negotiated on your behalf and the result of the negotiation will amaze you.  I just clung to that promise and that night as I prayed, I remembered the story of Gideon asking for a sign that he was sure of God's will.  Using Gideon as my example, I made a request of the Lord, that if this job was the one he intended for us that they would offer a specific salary and that is how I would know for sure.  The next afternoon, Monday, only three weeks after getting the relocation news, Matt was offered a job for the exact salary I had requested of the Lord!  Plus bonuses!  We were amazed!  We know that our steps are ordered of the Lord, and we know that every good and perfect gift comes from the Father.  We have NO doubt He cares for us.  In these 3 weeks of fasting and praying, of seeking the Lord and doing Bible studies, I have grown so much.  I have found a new joy that I haven't had in a long long time.  I am finally where I need to be, only moving forward this time and no more moving backward. 

  And Ya'll, during all this stress, I also managed to lose .7 pounds (yes, that is point 7 pounds, as in less than one pound) this week.  I mean, that's not awesome, but "yay me" anyway! 

 

He delights in me

There are a lot of things going on right now in my life.  Nothing I can talk about specifically now, but I will.  Rest assured, I will talk about it soon.

Today I was listening to the radio.  I love Air 1.  I love supporting them and knowing that my money is making a difference in lives, maybe lives halfway around the world.  The DJ was talking to an artist (I didn't pay any attention to who the artist was or what group he is a part of).  He was talking about a time in his life when a cyst was found on the his left vocal cord and he had surgery to remove it.  As he was on voice rest, he penned the lyrics to a song on their new album.  The inspiration for the lyrics was Zephaniah 3:17.

Zephaniah 3:17

  The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save.
  He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.

Ya'll, this spoke to me. 

I love it all.  I love the part about the Lord quieting me with his love because I'm more of a talker than a listener.  I'm not so good at being quiet.  But, as I thought about it more, I realized my favorite part of the entire verse is this:  He will take great delight in you. 

He delights in me.
He delights in me.
He delights in Me!

How amazing is that!?
 
I love this!  I absolutely love this!

On Valentine's Day 1991 my mother gave me and my sister each a copy of the book Love You Forever.  She inscribed our books and took the time to change all the hes in the book to shes.  She changed man to woman and replaced his with her.  It was very special.  It is on my nightstand right now.

Her inscription to me said simply:  "Deborah, you are so delightful.  Love, Mama" 

The word "delight" is very special to me. 

I delight the Lord! 

Words

Hawk Nelson recorded this amazing song: Words

It says this:

Words can build you up

Words can break you down

Start a fire in your heart or

Put it out

Wow.  It's SO TRUE

When I was in High school I wore a size 4, sometimes 6.  I think I may have mentioned my glory days before?  

One Wednesday night after church I went with my sister to a get together at a friend's house.  While there a friend of mine took a picture of me from the waist down as I was sitting in a chair.  In no uncertain terms he said to me that my legs were fat, they were disgusting everyone at the party and I should uncross my legs to remedy the problem.  I was a dancer, I had very muscular legs...so no, they did not look like chicken legs.  My mom had passed away a year earlier and the fact of the matter is, if I didn't cook dinner after school, then dinner was likely to be from a drive through...my dad just didn't have time to do it all.  Yes, I had cellulite and yes, I can still see that picture in my mind when I close my eyes; I can still hear those words ringing in my ears.  I cried the whole way home that night; I cried myself to sleep and sometimes, when I look in the mirror and see my legs I still cry. 

Those words hurt.  THEY STILL DO.

My sister tells me I need to forgive him, but I have.  I have forgiven him many, many times.  I just can't FORGET.  It still hurts so bad.  I can count on one hand the amount of times I have worn, in public, a pair of shorts that don't cover my knees.  I am scared to death.  Someone finally confirmed what I always knew...my legs are my trouble zone.  I don't need that to be confirmed ever again.  

In my quest to learn to love myself, I feel I need to remind others that your words matter.  THEY MATTER!  So be careful.  BE CAREFUL!  

I hope someday these words don't haunt me anymore.  But until then, when his words start to echo in my mind, when I begin to feel worthless because of the words of an immature teenager spoken 17 years ago, I will meditate on what God's Word says about me. 

          

You can heal the heartache

Speak over the fear

God, you voice is the only thing

We need to hear

                                    -- Hawk Nelson

Today, Hawk Nelson's song is my prayer:

Let my words be life

Let my words be truth

I don't wanna say a word

Unless it points the world back to You.

On a lighter note

On a lighter note, I just heard Zac yell this from the bathroom:

"Hahahaha...I thought I had to poop, but it was just a...really...big...toot!  Haha!"

Comparison is the thief of Joy

Comparison is the thief of joy.  -- Theodore Roosevelt

I ran across this quote on Pinterest the other day and it has stuck with me.  I think about it every day.  I think about how my habit of comparing myself to others has completely stolen my joy.  It resonated with me so much it followed me into my Bible reading and prayer time.  I found scriptures in Exodus (of all places) which spoke to me the importance of being me and not imitating someone else. 

There is a gal I know.  She shall be called Mallory.  Mostly because I don't know a Mallory in real life and I like that name. Also I don't need the real "Mallory" to know about my girl crush and my longings to be like her because it would probably creep her out...

Anyhow...

Mallory is perfect.  She is gorgeous.  She is skinny.  She has an impeccable wardrobe.  Her makeup is flawless.  Her hair is always perfectly styled.  Everyone loves her.  Everyone wants to be her friend.  She has mad skills and talents that people PAY her to perform.  From where I am looking, Mallory is the person to be. 

So much time was spent by me telling my mirror why Mallory is so great and why I am so...not.  Why should I have been surprised when my joy was nowhere to be found? 

My newest goal is to be the best ME I can be.  The world doesn't need another Mallory.  Mallory is busy being the best Mallory she can be.  The last thing the world needs is a cheap imitation of Mallory.  Maybe, just maybe, what the world needs is a genuine Deborah.  So what if the real genuine Deborah is 40 (alright...45) pounds heavier than Mallory.  So what if Deborah doesn't have the same skill set (or any in particular that I can think of right now...).  I was created by God to be me!  Mallory was created by God to be Mallory!  What a boring world we would live in if we were all created to be the same! 

I am currently in the recovery phase.  As I read the Word and spend time in His presence, I ask the Lord to show me His purpose for my life.  For Him to shed light on my specific skill set.  For Him to remind me what is so great about Deborah.  What has He created for me to do that Mallory can not do?  I ask Him to remind me that He is jealous for me!  Exodus 34:14 says, "You must worship no other gods, for the Lord, whose very name is Jealous, is a God who is jealous about his relationship with you."  (emphasis mine). 

As I was reading my women of the Bible devotional, I ran across a story about Leah and Rachel.  I don't know that the Bible ever clearly dictates that Rachel was beautiful and Leah was not.  What I do know is that Jacob found Rachel more beautiful and was tricked into marrying Leah first.  How distraught Leah must have felt!  How she must have compared herself to her little sister!  How her joy must have been stolen because of that comparison.  The devotional pointed out this one thing:  God chose to send his son through the Tribe of Judah.  Judah was the youngest of Leah's sons.  Leah may not have been the more beautiful sister, but she had the distinct privilege (although she wouldn't have known) of giving birth to Judah through whom God's own son would come to this Earth.  Could God still have accomplished his purpose and sent His son another way? Sure; but He chose to use Leah's kin.  Although she viewed herself as ugly and unloved...as useless...she was a vital part of God's plan for salvation.

Comparison is a mental competition.  Although competition can be a good thing which pushes us to strive for excellence, it becomes destructive when spurred by jealousy.  My obsession with Mallory hasn't been based on learning beauty secrets or bettering myself.  It has been based on jealousy, incompetence, and self-loathing.  (I need help huh??) 

I have asked myself and I have focused some of my prayer time on this one question: What has God specially gifted me to do?  In Exodus, when Moses is receiving the instructions for building the tabernacle he names one man, Bezalel.  Bezalel was specially gifted in craftsmanship.  This one man was to be in charge of all the minute details of the tabernacle down to hammering pure gold to form the lampstand with the almond blossoms and the cherubim for the ark of the covenant.  What a skill!  Exodus 35: 30-33 says: "The Lord has specifically chosen Bezalel son of Uri, grandson of Hur, of the tribe of Judah.  The Lord has filled Bezalel with the Spirit of God, giving him great wisdom, ability, and expertise in all kinds of crafts. He is a master craftsman, expert in working with gold, silver, and bronze.  He is skilled in engraving and mounting gemstones and in carving wood. He is a master at every craft."  I wonder if Bezalel ever sold himself short.  I wonder if he thought, "I'm not a great shephard, but I sure can hammer gold and carve wood.  How will I ever be able to contribute to my people?" 

I've got to stop selling myself short.  I may be 30 pounds overweight.  I may never be as beautiful as Mallory.  I may never be able to put an outfit together like Mallory...but I'm also not worthless. God has a plan for my life.  His plan is beautiful.



No more comparisons.  I chose Joy.

So sore!

Today my abs, legs, shoulders and back hurt.  It's a good pain for the most part. 

Unfortunately, there is pain elsewhere also. From the bike. This is not a good pain.  They should really do something about the seats on those things...or I should invest in some padded biking shorts/pants.

Ouch!

I said I would

8:07 : The kids are knocking on my door.  They are up and ready for breakfast.  I am late.  But only by like 7 minutes so surely that counts for something right? 

8:55 : We are jumping in the car as I am turning Zac's sleeves right side out in his jacket so he can get it on.  His shoes are in the front seat...school starts at 8:55 and we are late!

9:10 : Well, crud, I forgot to eat breakfast and how am I going to take a cycling class on an empty stomach?

9:15 : Yes, I'd like a Jr. Breakfast Burrito please.  $1.09? Ok. Thank you.

9:20 : Picked up my cycling pass (#13) and took Zac to the child care.

9:25 :  Pulled out a spin bike and watched everyone else so I didn't do anything stupid. 

SEE, I TOLD YOU I WOULD GO!

9:30 : Class starts

9:35 : I am dying.

9:40 : Why didn't I put my hair up?

10:00 : I hope no one can see the hole in my pants through the window.  I wore black panties under my black pants because I knew there was a hole, but I love them and the trash is not an option.

10:15 : What time is it?  Is this ever-lovin class over yet??  

10:25 : That was pretty fun, I'm covered in sweat and it was so much better than running.  Think I'll come next time.

10:27 : While putting my bike away, I run it into another bike and knock two knobs off the bottom...you can't win them all.  

11:25 : Blogging and wishing for a nap.  Spin class is challenging!!