Day 21

The journey continues.  No one benefits from my chronic insecurity.  Day in and day out I am focused on making decisions based on what I know to be true about myself and not how I may feel.  I may only be on day 2 of making these conscious decisions, but already I stepped out of my comfort zone and gave it my all...and with confidence.

My 28 thanks:

1. I found what I think will be an amazing florist to do my sister's wedding flowers.

2. I got my teeth cleaned today, they are now squeaky clean.

3. My hygienist told me my teeth are gorgeous.  :)

4. Getting your teeth cleaned is more fun when you have spent two weeks getting to know the hygienists and assistants in the office. 

5. The dental office didn't have mint polish (which I request because the fake fruit flavored stuff is nasty!) so they used vanilla.  It was surprisingly refreshing, not at all terrible and it didn't gag me.  Yay!

6. Both my MIL and FIL had birthdays this week!  I have been blessed with the best in-laws ever!  It is such a blessing to be a part of their family.

7. My Stars girls are so full of life.  They are precious and I love teaching them!

8. Kind words of encouragement from friends.

9. Compliments!  I am hard on myself and I expect others to be hard on me too.  Compliments are good for the soul. 

10. My friend and teaching assistant, Amy, helps me so much.  She makes class more fun.  I can say random stuff in class and I can count on her to laugh. 

11. Leftovers made dinner easy and no one complained.

12. My three year olds are going to keep me busy this year, they have big personalities!

13. My 1st and 2nd grade ballet class went very smoothly. 

14. Zachary enjoyed his first soccer practice even though he left his water bottle at the dance studio.

15. My aunt celebrated her birthday on the 29th!  She is far from home and her kids as she lives with my grandpa to help take care of him and I know it is hard on her at times.  I am so blessed that she has been in my life in a greater capacity for a couple of years.

16. Moore is getting a Dairy Queen for the first time since the old one closed in 1998!  Too bad they won't still have their Dennis the Menace cups they used to use.  :)

17. Zachary enjoys watching old episodes of Goof Troop.  He laughs and laughs.  I love the sound of his laugh.

18. The Hillsong United CD Zion.  I have listened to it non stop since buying it two weeks ago. 

19. I love to listen to worship while I am working out...it really does keep me moving.

20. 5 day weekends!

21. The kids want nothing more than to spend the night with Grammy and Poppy.  I love that the love their grandparents.

22. I got in on the big soap sale at Bath and Body Works.  I love their fall scented soaps.

23. Zachary got to play at the play place at Sooner Mall.  He is almost to big. :(

24. Matt gets to spend part of his long weekend with friends. 

25. I laughed so hard at Duck Dynasty I almost cried.

26. Matt has a good job.

27. He supports me 100% as I pursue dental hygiene school.

28. It's only 2 months (and a couple of days) till my sister's wedding! 

Sharing my heart--Day 20

I am in recovery from years and years of damage resulting from a life filled with self doubt and insecurity.  There seems to be no end to the lies that fill my heart and mind all day long.  Starting when I wake up and not ending until I fall asleep, the thoughts attack.  For years I have listened to the lies, I have learned to ignore them at times, but what I need to learn is how to shut them down.  When the lies come, I have to be ready with the Word of God.  When the voice whispers, "You'll never be as pretty as _____."  I have to shut the voice down with Psalm 139:14: "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made."  When the voice tells me, "You aren't worth her friendship" or "Your husband could do so much better, why does he stay with you." I HAVE to shut the voice down.  Those thoughts are toxic and I have been suffering with the results of toxic thoughts for far too long.  How many friendships have I failed to pursue because I was convinced I wasn't good enough to associate with someone?  How many relationships have I rendered useless because of my debilitating insecurity.  How many times have I told God that his most prized possession was worthless, trash, junk...not good for anything?  Who am I to tell the creator of the universe that something he made was a mistake?  How the Lord has put up with me for the past 32 years is only a testament to His unending, never-failing love.

My 28 thanks:

1. God's love never fails, never gives up, never runs out on me.

2. I have been told by several people they can tell I have lost weight.

3. Zachary did great at the dentist!  No cavities!

4. Madelyn has enjoyed her first week of dance classes.

5. Orange Leaf is a fun occasional treat.

6. Matt flew to San Antonio on a business trip.  He made it there and home again safely.

7. He and his coworker unknowingly avoided the interstate where a horrific wreck had occurred.  They could have been stuck in traffic for hours and would have missed their meeting, but didn't.

8. Zachary asked if he could brush his teeth "just for fun".

9. My kids have wonderful teachers this year!

10. Zachary asked to go to the library.

11. The library was super quiet, so I was able to read and focus.

12. I have the mind of Christ, therefore, I can recognize when the thoughts creeping around in my head are Godly or lies from the devil.

13. I have found favor throughout my pre-dental school journey.

14. I may be just a "normal" person, but my words can still be used to bless others.

15. I am an overcomer.

16. I can and will overcome my battle with insecurity--one thought at a time.

17. The Lord is my refuge and strength; a very present help in times of trouble.

18.  I was taught from a young age to hide God's Word in my heart.

19. Madelyn is ROCKING 3rd grade Stars.

20. Madelyn is driven and always does her best.

21. Zachary has been asking for a Bible.

22. He wants to learn to read so he can read his Bible.

23. I have an amazing new mattress!

24. No more back pain!

25. Now that school has started, I have a little time to fit in dental observations and workouts at the Y.

26. Because of the new mattress and the workouts, I have been sleeping much better.

27. I get to apply to dental hygiene school in January!  It is so close!

28. You are both judged and influenced by the company you keep.  I want to keep good company.  I want to be good company.

I interrupt this lack of blogging...

Ya'll, I'll be back to blogging soon.  I have to say this:  The devil is a liar.  He is the father of lies, every time he speaks he spews lies.  I have been discouraged.  Please don't confuse that with depressed, I have actually been well, thanking the Lord for my blessings every day.  I have much to be thankful for.  I could even blog about it...I could...but then the thoughts swim through my mind: "No one reads what you write anyway.",  "No one cares what you are thankful for.",  "Really, they are all reading the pastors' blogs...what can you have to say that anyone will want to read, that will speak to them?"  I know they are lies, I know, I know, I know.  I suffer from this little thing called insecurity.  I have let the devil belittle me.  I have let him convince me I should belittle myself.  Insecurity is an ugly ugly thing and I am determined to overcome.  I prayed a prayer the other night.  I read part of it to my husband and had to fight the tears as I spoke some of the words.  It is a powerful prayer, a prayer that Beth Moore made part of her book, So Long Insecurity, by the insight given her by the Spirit of God.  The actual prayer is like 5 pages long, so I will share with you the most crucial points, the ones I prayed most earnestly, the thoughts and attitudes from which I need the most healing and freedom.

    "I desperately need and want to be delivered from my chronic insecurity.  I am ready to discover what it means to be truly secure."

    "You have not shortchanged me.  I have shortchanged myself and allowed my culture to sell me short."

    "As You reveal yourself to me, I ask You to also mercifully reveal myself to me.  Grant me insight into patterns I have developed, and give me answers that bring healing."

                                                 *sigh*  Here comes the doozie...

    "Forgive me for my miserable self-absorption.  Forgive me for the jealousy and covetousness that feed my insecurity.  Forgive me for being so fixated on what I don't have that I leave the gifts You've given me undeveloped and much less effective than You intended them to be.  Forgive me for thinking so pitifully little of the person You've made me.  Forgive me for committing the flagrant sin of despising myself and considering myself inferior to others.  Forgive me equally for every time I've sighed with relief at the thought that I might be superior after all.  Forgive me for my unbelief.  If I realized how valuable I am, my insatiable need for affirmation would be quieted.  Forgive me for being such a perfectionist that I resist doing something good out of fear that it won't be great."(OUCH!!)   Forgive me for the inordinate self-protection that has only managed to imprison me."

    "Lord, I ask You to single out everything You entrusted to me as part of my physical and psychological makeup: personal limitations, my appearance, and my God-given disposition.  You knew what You were doing when You formed me in my mother's womb.  Nothing is without purpose.  Nothing has thrown off the plan.  Every gift, challenge and obstacle is meant to shape the specific destiny You ordained for me before time began.  Your intent is to make a wonder out of me and show what You can do through me.  You mean to increase the praise that comes to You because of my life.  You want to defy the odds in order to make Yourself conspicuous in me. Please deliver me from a life of self-pity and a life of excuses and rationalizations.  Help me stop using a person as my mirror and start seeing myself as You alone see me.  Make me the kind of woman a little girl could follow to dignity and security."

Parts of that still bring me to tears.  I need to get that in my spirit.

Tomorrow I will post my 28 thanks.  Tonight I need you to know my heart.