I interrupt this lack of blogging...

Ya'll, I'll be back to blogging soon.  I have to say this:  The devil is a liar.  He is the father of lies, every time he speaks he spews lies.  I have been discouraged.  Please don't confuse that with depressed, I have actually been well, thanking the Lord for my blessings every day.  I have much to be thankful for.  I could even blog about it...I could...but then the thoughts swim through my mind: "No one reads what you write anyway.",  "No one cares what you are thankful for.",  "Really, they are all reading the pastors' blogs...what can you have to say that anyone will want to read, that will speak to them?"  I know they are lies, I know, I know, I know.  I suffer from this little thing called insecurity.  I have let the devil belittle me.  I have let him convince me I should belittle myself.  Insecurity is an ugly ugly thing and I am determined to overcome.  I prayed a prayer the other night.  I read part of it to my husband and had to fight the tears as I spoke some of the words.  It is a powerful prayer, a prayer that Beth Moore made part of her book, So Long Insecurity, by the insight given her by the Spirit of God.  The actual prayer is like 5 pages long, so I will share with you the most crucial points, the ones I prayed most earnestly, the thoughts and attitudes from which I need the most healing and freedom.

    "I desperately need and want to be delivered from my chronic insecurity.  I am ready to discover what it means to be truly secure."

    "You have not shortchanged me.  I have shortchanged myself and allowed my culture to sell me short."

    "As You reveal yourself to me, I ask You to also mercifully reveal myself to me.  Grant me insight into patterns I have developed, and give me answers that bring healing."

                                                 *sigh*  Here comes the doozie...

    "Forgive me for my miserable self-absorption.  Forgive me for the jealousy and covetousness that feed my insecurity.  Forgive me for being so fixated on what I don't have that I leave the gifts You've given me undeveloped and much less effective than You intended them to be.  Forgive me for thinking so pitifully little of the person You've made me.  Forgive me for committing the flagrant sin of despising myself and considering myself inferior to others.  Forgive me equally for every time I've sighed with relief at the thought that I might be superior after all.  Forgive me for my unbelief.  If I realized how valuable I am, my insatiable need for affirmation would be quieted.  Forgive me for being such a perfectionist that I resist doing something good out of fear that it won't be great."(OUCH!!)   Forgive me for the inordinate self-protection that has only managed to imprison me."

    "Lord, I ask You to single out everything You entrusted to me as part of my physical and psychological makeup: personal limitations, my appearance, and my God-given disposition.  You knew what You were doing when You formed me in my mother's womb.  Nothing is without purpose.  Nothing has thrown off the plan.  Every gift, challenge and obstacle is meant to shape the specific destiny You ordained for me before time began.  Your intent is to make a wonder out of me and show what You can do through me.  You mean to increase the praise that comes to You because of my life.  You want to defy the odds in order to make Yourself conspicuous in me. Please deliver me from a life of self-pity and a life of excuses and rationalizations.  Help me stop using a person as my mirror and start seeing myself as You alone see me.  Make me the kind of woman a little girl could follow to dignity and security."

Parts of that still bring me to tears.  I need to get that in my spirit.

Tomorrow I will post my 28 thanks.  Tonight I need you to know my heart.

Day 19

Sunday, Sunday.  When it comes to Sunday, you never know what you are going to get.  Is it going to be easy to get the kids out of bed, dressed and bellies filled?  Is it going to be torture?  You never know.  Today was the former rather than the latter and for that, I am thankful.

My 28 thanks:

1. Rain!!

2. The smell of rain

3. The sound of rain.  ( I love rain... )

4. Braum's (The milk, the ice cream, the hamburgers...what's not to love?)

5. Getting ready this morning for church went smoothly.

6. Nobody was grumpy this morning...not even me!

7. My church outfit was cute. (See, sometimes I can have style...)  :)

8. We made it to church early.

9. Matt is the Sunday breakfast cooker...so I can get ready. It's awesome.

10. Nothing can EVER separate me from God's love.  ( That's BIG!)

11. When I repent, God forgives! (HUGE)

12. He doesn't just forgive...He FORGETS!! (Can I get an AMEN??)

13. The Lord knows me completely and yet he still loves me.  (Wow)

14. Psalm 139. It's life giving. 

15. I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

16. All God's works are wonderful.  Just look around...then look in the mirror.

17. My friend Heather can sing.  I love hearing her voice during worship, it blesses me.  :)

18. I have a large kitchen.

19. It is great for having people over.

20. My cousin Shannon and her son Seth came over for dinner.

21. They are fun company, Seth is a hoot.

22. Shannon did all my dishes. 

23. I got so many compliments on dinner. 

24. Gladys took care of my notary needs.  I love my adoptive Mama!

25. Shannon bought me a blended mocha.  It was wonderful.

26. I surprised Matt by bringing it home to him.

27. I got to talk to my friend Leslie while waiting for my coffee.  It's been a long time. 

28. The Lord's mercies are new every morning. 

Day 18

I love lazy Saturdays when I have nothing pressing to do.  Today was amazing!

My 28 thanks:

1. friends I can talk to freely and for hours

2. pedicures with friends

3. I got to go to lunch, chat, shop AND get a pedicure with Kendra today!

4. garage sales

5. thrift stores

6. Northmoor teachers (I always seem to find their garage sales and then they give us free books, today it was Mrs. Thedford.  She is sweet.)

7. online banking

8. colorful nail polish

9. baby names

10. Taco Bueno (need I say more??)

11. surprises

12. planning an anniversary trip!  :)

13. A husband who gladly takes on "kid duty"

14. afternoon naps

15. clean sheets

16. left overs for dinner (EASY)

17. relaxing Saturday evenings (this hasn't always been the case...)

18. days when there are no pressing plans...only fun on the calendar

19. When Zachary says, "Hey, Mommy.  I love you." 

20. Matt came home from Rowdy's party happy because he got some of Gladys' lemonade.  :)

21. The kids had a blast at Rowdy's party also.

22. kid's books

23. Instagram is fun.

24. I got to sleep in this morning.

25. ice water

26. Matt takes care of bath time because I don't enjoy it.

27. I didn't have to cook dinner tonight.

28. Beth Moore's book  So Long Insecurity is just what I needed.  It's like she is talking right to me and I can already tell I am making great strides toward a more secure self. 

Day 17

My 28 thanks:

1. family

2. baseball games

3. fireworks

4. my kids' smiles

5. foul balls

6. cheap Sonic dates

7. generous people

8. cousins

9. sleepovers at grandma's

10. free parking at Bass Pro Shop

11. sunshine

12. sunglasses

13. tank tops

14. ponytails

15. comfy athletic shorts

16. nights without kids (occasionally)

17. TV time with Matt

18. air conditioning

19. ceiling fans

20. My kids are super cute!

21. My kids behave in public.

22. laughter

23. My husband is really smart.

24. My in-laws made it home safe from Albuquerque.

25. bright colored Sharpies

26. common sense

27. green lights when I am in a hurry

28. homemade dinner with my family

Day 16

Last night, I got a message from a friend.  She told me she reads my blog and had been checking in for new posts.  I guess it's no secret that it has been a couple (or few?) weeks since I have written a post or thanked the Lord for anything publicly.  It's not that life hasn't been good because it has.  Mostly it is a time management issue.  So, here I am again.  It's a lot like starting over when so many days have been lost...but I won't quit until all 365 days have been blogged, no matter how long it takes me. 

My 28 thanks:

1. compromise

2. friends

3. slip-n-slides

4. steak dinners

5. the library

6. The last Sookie book was available at the library!  Score!!

7. Beth Moore books

8. old school Disney movies

9. good clean fun

10. listening to His still small voice

11. evenings with my family

12. giving gifts

13. shopping for gifts

14. encouraging messages from friends

15. snow cones

16. girl talk

17. makeup

18. French braids

19. vacation planning

20. vacation countdowns (one week ya'll!!)

21. pay day

22. being a faithful steward

23. our health

24. The Lord rebukes the devourer.

25. My insecurities are not too big or messy for the Lord.

26. I was made to be me.

27. I am perfectly equipped to be who God made me to be.

28. With God's help, I am on my way to overcoming the insecurities that tend to run my life.

Day 15

Kind words are like honey -- sweet to the soul and healthy for the body.  Proverbs 16:24

My 28 thanks:

1. Kind words from friends.

2. The Word of God and the peace and wisdom it brings.

3. The book of Proverbs.  Solomon's wisdom is still useful today if we would only listen.

4. Pandora, specifically the Hillsong United station.

5. Pools

6. Friends (and adoptive Mamas) who invite you over to swim in their pools.

7. Fruit!  Pineapples, watermelons, strawberries...summer fruits are the best!

8. Friends who encourage me. (P.S. Thanks for all the encouragement after my post yesterday!)

9. My kids didn't say, "I'm bored" at all today.

10. Even though she wasn't happy about it, Madelyn picked up her room.

11. I beat level 117 on Candy Crush today!  Finally!!

12. Zachary cheered for me when I beat the level.  He was jumping up and down in excitement...he may have been more excited than I was!

13. Summer days

14. A break from school

15. Air conditioning!  It is really starting to get hot out there.

16. My kids love swimming and being in water.

17. I forgot to wear sunscreen today, but I didn't get too toasted.

18. My kids get along with everyone they meet.

19. They don't pick fights with others.

20. They follow the rules, no matter where we are.

21. They have the best laughs in the entire world!

22. I made "white spaghetti" for dinner tonight.  It's tri-colored cheese tortellini on a bed of angel hair pasta with alfredo sauce.  Everyone loves it and no one complains.

23. The girls in my small group were attentive during the lesson tonight and easily answered all the review questions.  They are a great group of girls.

24. They all enjoyed the game of jumping rope with an Oreo stuck to their foreheads.

25. I am really good at sticking Oreos to people's foreheads.  We couldn't jump rope enough to get them to fall off!

26. All the girls I talked to were excited about going to camp next week.

27. I saw both Madelyn and Zachary raising their hands in worship tonight.  It brought a smile to my face and joy to my heart.

28. I told Madelyn that during the summer only, if she isn't tired, at night, she could read in her bed by flashlight.  She was so excited, she finished her whole library book in her bed before falling asleep.  I love my little reader!  

Day 14

This always happens to me.  I hit a wall.  I lose my inspiration.  So, it has happened and I have not an excuse in the world.  Here I am on day 14 when I should be on day 17.  I'll be honest.  I lost my focus.  I made it about me and how I feel instead of the Lord and how great He is despite how I feel.  It is good I am doing this because my default setting is to pity myself.  Why doesn't he/she like me?  Why wasn't I invited?  What did I ever do to make him/her unfriend me?  When you are dwelling on yourself, there is NO way you can dwell in the Lord.  There is no way you can dwell on the Lord's goodness when all that consumes your mind is the worthlessness of yourself.  My dad has a saying, "Facebook is of the devil."  I think he takes that stance too far, but you know...he has a point.  I compare myself to everyone else.  Their weight, their tan, their clean house, their thousands of friendships, their weddings, their vacations...everything. I can't compare to all that.  Then I see parties, weddings, get togethers, lunch outings, baby showers, wedding showers...that I haven't been invited to.  My world falls apart in an instant.  I recognize I need help.  I am resting on Psalm 121.  The Word is better than any worldly therapy.

Psalm 121

¹ I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
    where does my help come from?
² My help comes from the Lord,
    the Maker of heaven and earth.

³ He will not let your foot slip—
    he who watches over you will not slumber;
⁴ indeed, he who watches over Israel
    will neither slumber nor sleep.

⁵ The Lord watches over you—
    the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
⁶ the sun will not harm you by day,
    nor the moon by night.

⁷ The Lord will keep you from all harm—
    he will watch over your life;
⁸ the Lord will watch over your coming and going
    both now and forevermore.


My 28 thanks:

1. The Lord is patient with me.

2. The Lord has plans for my life and they are good.

3. The Lord will watch over me in all my ways.

4. No matter who turns away, the Lord is always there.

5. The Lord does not slumber, so He is never caught off guard.

6. In my weakness, the Lord is strong.

7. The Lord has blessed me with meaningful friendships.

8. I saw my friend Amber in the Target parking lot today.  I have missed her and it was good to see her smiling face.

9. I saw my friend Valarie at Target today.  We had a nice long conversation and I might have even made her late for her kids' swimming lessons.

10. Valarie always encourages me.  Every conversation we have, I walk away believing I can do whatever I set my mind to.

11. Matt's allergy nose spray was way expensive, but he felt so much better after taking it, so it was totally worth it.

12. We spend longer than I anticipated at the library.

13. My kids love the library!

14. I found the last book of the series I have read this past week at the library!

15. They didn't have Beth Moore's So Long Insecurity, it was checked out.  Now I have something to look for next time I am there.

16. I found a DVD of The Muppet Show at the library!  I am excited to watch it.  

17. How cool is it that the library has movies that you can "rent" for free!?

18. Matt is so great to me.  He listens to my pity parties with concern and then lets me cry.  He also helps me move on.  I need him in my life.

19. I drank a lot of water today.

20. Water is not always my first choice, but I always feel better when I drink it instead of anything else.

21. Matt got tickets to tonight's RedHawk's game through his job. (FREE!!)

22. The game was a lot of fun!

23. The kids had a great time at the game too!

24. I got to meet Quincy, Matt's new coworker.  I hear a lot of stories, so I am glad I have a face now to go with the stories.

25. The little boy in front of us got a foul ball.  The excitement on his face was adorable!  (Madelyn was upset that she didn't get it, but it would have just ended up on her floor and this kid was ecstatic!  I'm glad he got it!)

26. The weather for the game was really nice.  Not too hot and just the right amount of breeze.

27. The RedHawk's lost the first game, but they won the second game!

28. I got to talk to my friend Angela on the phone today.  Talking (in my opinion) is better than texting or messaging on facebook.  It is more personal.  I love talking to friends on the phone.  

Bonus:  I've been really struggling with this blog.  I have had a block at about number 11 every. single. day.  Not today.  Today, I could have come up with several more.