Sharing my heart--Day 20

I am in recovery from years and years of damage resulting from a life filled with self doubt and insecurity.  There seems to be no end to the lies that fill my heart and mind all day long.  Starting when I wake up and not ending until I fall asleep, the thoughts attack.  For years I have listened to the lies, I have learned to ignore them at times, but what I need to learn is how to shut them down.  When the lies come, I have to be ready with the Word of God.  When the voice whispers, "You'll never be as pretty as _____."  I have to shut the voice down with Psalm 139:14: "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made."  When the voice tells me, "You aren't worth her friendship" or "Your husband could do so much better, why does he stay with you." I HAVE to shut the voice down.  Those thoughts are toxic and I have been suffering with the results of toxic thoughts for far too long.  How many friendships have I failed to pursue because I was convinced I wasn't good enough to associate with someone?  How many relationships have I rendered useless because of my debilitating insecurity.  How many times have I told God that his most prized possession was worthless, trash, junk...not good for anything?  Who am I to tell the creator of the universe that something he made was a mistake?  How the Lord has put up with me for the past 32 years is only a testament to His unending, never-failing love.

My 28 thanks:

1. God's love never fails, never gives up, never runs out on me.

2. I have been told by several people they can tell I have lost weight.

3. Zachary did great at the dentist!  No cavities!

4. Madelyn has enjoyed her first week of dance classes.

5. Orange Leaf is a fun occasional treat.

6. Matt flew to San Antonio on a business trip.  He made it there and home again safely.

7. He and his coworker unknowingly avoided the interstate where a horrific wreck had occurred.  They could have been stuck in traffic for hours and would have missed their meeting, but didn't.

8. Zachary asked if he could brush his teeth "just for fun".

9. My kids have wonderful teachers this year!

10. Zachary asked to go to the library.

11. The library was super quiet, so I was able to read and focus.

12. I have the mind of Christ, therefore, I can recognize when the thoughts creeping around in my head are Godly or lies from the devil.

13. I have found favor throughout my pre-dental school journey.

14. I may be just a "normal" person, but my words can still be used to bless others.

15. I am an overcomer.

16. I can and will overcome my battle with insecurity--one thought at a time.

17. The Lord is my refuge and strength; a very present help in times of trouble.

18.  I was taught from a young age to hide God's Word in my heart.

19. Madelyn is ROCKING 3rd grade Stars.

20. Madelyn is driven and always does her best.

21. Zachary has been asking for a Bible.

22. He wants to learn to read so he can read his Bible.

23. I have an amazing new mattress!

24. No more back pain!

25. Now that school has started, I have a little time to fit in dental observations and workouts at the Y.

26. Because of the new mattress and the workouts, I have been sleeping much better.

27. I get to apply to dental hygiene school in January!  It is so close!

28. You are both judged and influenced by the company you keep.  I want to keep good company.  I want to be good company.

I interrupt this lack of blogging...

Ya'll, I'll be back to blogging soon.  I have to say this:  The devil is a liar.  He is the father of lies, every time he speaks he spews lies.  I have been discouraged.  Please don't confuse that with depressed, I have actually been well, thanking the Lord for my blessings every day.  I have much to be thankful for.  I could even blog about it...I could...but then the thoughts swim through my mind: "No one reads what you write anyway.",  "No one cares what you are thankful for.",  "Really, they are all reading the pastors' blogs...what can you have to say that anyone will want to read, that will speak to them?"  I know they are lies, I know, I know, I know.  I suffer from this little thing called insecurity.  I have let the devil belittle me.  I have let him convince me I should belittle myself.  Insecurity is an ugly ugly thing and I am determined to overcome.  I prayed a prayer the other night.  I read part of it to my husband and had to fight the tears as I spoke some of the words.  It is a powerful prayer, a prayer that Beth Moore made part of her book, So Long Insecurity, by the insight given her by the Spirit of God.  The actual prayer is like 5 pages long, so I will share with you the most crucial points, the ones I prayed most earnestly, the thoughts and attitudes from which I need the most healing and freedom.

    "I desperately need and want to be delivered from my chronic insecurity.  I am ready to discover what it means to be truly secure."

    "You have not shortchanged me.  I have shortchanged myself and allowed my culture to sell me short."

    "As You reveal yourself to me, I ask You to also mercifully reveal myself to me.  Grant me insight into patterns I have developed, and give me answers that bring healing."

                                                 *sigh*  Here comes the doozie...

    "Forgive me for my miserable self-absorption.  Forgive me for the jealousy and covetousness that feed my insecurity.  Forgive me for being so fixated on what I don't have that I leave the gifts You've given me undeveloped and much less effective than You intended them to be.  Forgive me for thinking so pitifully little of the person You've made me.  Forgive me for committing the flagrant sin of despising myself and considering myself inferior to others.  Forgive me equally for every time I've sighed with relief at the thought that I might be superior after all.  Forgive me for my unbelief.  If I realized how valuable I am, my insatiable need for affirmation would be quieted.  Forgive me for being such a perfectionist that I resist doing something good out of fear that it won't be great."(OUCH!!)   Forgive me for the inordinate self-protection that has only managed to imprison me."

    "Lord, I ask You to single out everything You entrusted to me as part of my physical and psychological makeup: personal limitations, my appearance, and my God-given disposition.  You knew what You were doing when You formed me in my mother's womb.  Nothing is without purpose.  Nothing has thrown off the plan.  Every gift, challenge and obstacle is meant to shape the specific destiny You ordained for me before time began.  Your intent is to make a wonder out of me and show what You can do through me.  You mean to increase the praise that comes to You because of my life.  You want to defy the odds in order to make Yourself conspicuous in me. Please deliver me from a life of self-pity and a life of excuses and rationalizations.  Help me stop using a person as my mirror and start seeing myself as You alone see me.  Make me the kind of woman a little girl could follow to dignity and security."

Parts of that still bring me to tears.  I need to get that in my spirit.

Tomorrow I will post my 28 thanks.  Tonight I need you to know my heart.

Day 19

Sunday, Sunday.  When it comes to Sunday, you never know what you are going to get.  Is it going to be easy to get the kids out of bed, dressed and bellies filled?  Is it going to be torture?  You never know.  Today was the former rather than the latter and for that, I am thankful.

My 28 thanks:

1. Rain!!

2. The smell of rain

3. The sound of rain.  ( I love rain... )

4. Braum's (The milk, the ice cream, the hamburgers...what's not to love?)

5. Getting ready this morning for church went smoothly.

6. Nobody was grumpy this morning...not even me!

7. My church outfit was cute. (See, sometimes I can have style...)  :)

8. We made it to church early.

9. Matt is the Sunday breakfast cooker...so I can get ready. It's awesome.

10. Nothing can EVER separate me from God's love.  ( That's BIG!)

11. When I repent, God forgives! (HUGE)

12. He doesn't just forgive...He FORGETS!! (Can I get an AMEN??)

13. The Lord knows me completely and yet he still loves me.  (Wow)

14. Psalm 139. It's life giving. 

15. I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

16. All God's works are wonderful.  Just look around...then look in the mirror.

17. My friend Heather can sing.  I love hearing her voice during worship, it blesses me.  :)

18. I have a large kitchen.

19. It is great for having people over.

20. My cousin Shannon and her son Seth came over for dinner.

21. They are fun company, Seth is a hoot.

22. Shannon did all my dishes. 

23. I got so many compliments on dinner. 

24. Gladys took care of my notary needs.  I love my adoptive Mama!

25. Shannon bought me a blended mocha.  It was wonderful.

26. I surprised Matt by bringing it home to him.

27. I got to talk to my friend Leslie while waiting for my coffee.  It's been a long time. 

28. The Lord's mercies are new every morning. 

Day 18

I love lazy Saturdays when I have nothing pressing to do.  Today was amazing!

My 28 thanks:

1. friends I can talk to freely and for hours

2. pedicures with friends

3. I got to go to lunch, chat, shop AND get a pedicure with Kendra today!

4. garage sales

5. thrift stores

6. Northmoor teachers (I always seem to find their garage sales and then they give us free books, today it was Mrs. Thedford.  She is sweet.)

7. online banking

8. colorful nail polish

9. baby names

10. Taco Bueno (need I say more??)

11. surprises

12. planning an anniversary trip!  :)

13. A husband who gladly takes on "kid duty"

14. afternoon naps

15. clean sheets

16. left overs for dinner (EASY)

17. relaxing Saturday evenings (this hasn't always been the case...)

18. days when there are no pressing plans...only fun on the calendar

19. When Zachary says, "Hey, Mommy.  I love you." 

20. Matt came home from Rowdy's party happy because he got some of Gladys' lemonade.  :)

21. The kids had a blast at Rowdy's party also.

22. kid's books

23. Instagram is fun.

24. I got to sleep in this morning.

25. ice water

26. Matt takes care of bath time because I don't enjoy it.

27. I didn't have to cook dinner tonight.

28. Beth Moore's book  So Long Insecurity is just what I needed.  It's like she is talking right to me and I can already tell I am making great strides toward a more secure self. 

Day 17

My 28 thanks:

1. family

2. baseball games

3. fireworks

4. my kids' smiles

5. foul balls

6. cheap Sonic dates

7. generous people

8. cousins

9. sleepovers at grandma's

10. free parking at Bass Pro Shop

11. sunshine

12. sunglasses

13. tank tops

14. ponytails

15. comfy athletic shorts

16. nights without kids (occasionally)

17. TV time with Matt

18. air conditioning

19. ceiling fans

20. My kids are super cute!

21. My kids behave in public.

22. laughter

23. My husband is really smart.

24. My in-laws made it home safe from Albuquerque.

25. bright colored Sharpies

26. common sense

27. green lights when I am in a hurry

28. homemade dinner with my family

Day 16

Last night, I got a message from a friend.  She told me she reads my blog and had been checking in for new posts.  I guess it's no secret that it has been a couple (or few?) weeks since I have written a post or thanked the Lord for anything publicly.  It's not that life hasn't been good because it has.  Mostly it is a time management issue.  So, here I am again.  It's a lot like starting over when so many days have been lost...but I won't quit until all 365 days have been blogged, no matter how long it takes me. 

My 28 thanks:

1. compromise

2. friends

3. slip-n-slides

4. steak dinners

5. the library

6. The last Sookie book was available at the library!  Score!!

7. Beth Moore books

8. old school Disney movies

9. good clean fun

10. listening to His still small voice

11. evenings with my family

12. giving gifts

13. shopping for gifts

14. encouraging messages from friends

15. snow cones

16. girl talk

17. makeup

18. French braids

19. vacation planning

20. vacation countdowns (one week ya'll!!)

21. pay day

22. being a faithful steward

23. our health

24. The Lord rebukes the devourer.

25. My insecurities are not too big or messy for the Lord.

26. I was made to be me.

27. I am perfectly equipped to be who God made me to be.

28. With God's help, I am on my way to overcoming the insecurities that tend to run my life.

Day 15

Kind words are like honey -- sweet to the soul and healthy for the body.  Proverbs 16:24

My 28 thanks:

1. Kind words from friends.

2. The Word of God and the peace and wisdom it brings.

3. The book of Proverbs.  Solomon's wisdom is still useful today if we would only listen.

4. Pandora, specifically the Hillsong United station.

5. Pools

6. Friends (and adoptive Mamas) who invite you over to swim in their pools.

7. Fruit!  Pineapples, watermelons, strawberries...summer fruits are the best!

8. Friends who encourage me. (P.S. Thanks for all the encouragement after my post yesterday!)

9. My kids didn't say, "I'm bored" at all today.

10. Even though she wasn't happy about it, Madelyn picked up her room.

11. I beat level 117 on Candy Crush today!  Finally!!

12. Zachary cheered for me when I beat the level.  He was jumping up and down in excitement...he may have been more excited than I was!

13. Summer days

14. A break from school

15. Air conditioning!  It is really starting to get hot out there.

16. My kids love swimming and being in water.

17. I forgot to wear sunscreen today, but I didn't get too toasted.

18. My kids get along with everyone they meet.

19. They don't pick fights with others.

20. They follow the rules, no matter where we are.

21. They have the best laughs in the entire world!

22. I made "white spaghetti" for dinner tonight.  It's tri-colored cheese tortellini on a bed of angel hair pasta with alfredo sauce.  Everyone loves it and no one complains.

23. The girls in my small group were attentive during the lesson tonight and easily answered all the review questions.  They are a great group of girls.

24. They all enjoyed the game of jumping rope with an Oreo stuck to their foreheads.

25. I am really good at sticking Oreos to people's foreheads.  We couldn't jump rope enough to get them to fall off!

26. All the girls I talked to were excited about going to camp next week.

27. I saw both Madelyn and Zachary raising their hands in worship tonight.  It brought a smile to my face and joy to my heart.

28. I told Madelyn that during the summer only, if she isn't tired, at night, she could read in her bed by flashlight.  She was so excited, she finished her whole library book in her bed before falling asleep.  I love my little reader!